The Power of Pause: How 3 Seconds Can Transform Your Parenting

Article 02: "Transform Challenging Moments into Growth Opportunities - One Breath at a Time"

Picture this: Your toddler throws a plate of spaghetti off the table. Your teenager slams their door. Your first-grader refuses to get dressed for school. What's your immediate reaction?

When diving into writing about this, I found an empowering Harvard study…For most parents, triggers activate our stress response within 0.3 seconds of an unfavorable event taking place. But what if I told you that the next 2.7 seconds could completely transform these challenging moments?

If you'd like to get in the right mindset while reading this article, I recommend listening to "Power of the Pause" - a song I’ve written that beautifully captures the essence of what we'll explore.: For full song lyrics click here.

I remember yelling at a 9 year old kid who keep punching other kids at wrestling practice one day. I felt terrible about it and knew there was a better way to handle that situation in the future. I just felt so frustrated that this kid wouldn’t listen and kept up the inappropriate behavior. So when I began to dive into my own resolution, the following is what I did to start transforming my response…but first let’s look at the science.

The Science Behind the Pause

Research from the Harvard Center on the Developing Child shows that introducing a brief 3 second pause between trigger and response can:

- Reduce parental stress response by 60%

- Lower cortisol levels in both parent and child

- Increase problem-solving capacity

- Strengthen parent-child bonds

The 3-Second Revolution that can bring a Revelation

Here's what began to happen when I took a moment to pause in those crucial three seconds:

Second 1: Recognition

- My brain-body started shifting from automatic to conscious processing

- Experts say my ‘amygdala’ activation begins to decrease

- My awareness of the trigger and then a more effective response began emerging

Second 2: Reset

- My breathing naturally began to deepen

- My heart rate began to slow and stabilize

- I felt my mental clarity increasing

Second 3: Response Choice

- I started having thought options to the rational thinking part of my brain

- Here I felt my emotional regulation activating to choose more level minded words

- Then I began to see intentional responses were possible which got more favorable responses from others

Making It Work: Real Scenarios

The Spaghetti Situation:

There was a time when I was watching my nephew of 5 years old that maybe you can relate to. I put his food down in front of him and next thing you know, the spaghetti was all over the room!

Me without a pause: "What the *#@%…Why did you just throw your food?!" (Reactive)

Me with a 3-second pause: "I see you're exploring gravity. Let's clean this together and find a safer way to experiment." (Responsive). It makes me laugh writing this out, but I definitely wasn’t laughing at the time!

The Door Slam:

In an example of a heated debate with one of my much younger cousins that at the time I shared a bathroom with in the same house ended in multiple door slams!

Me without pause: “Forget you too you bratty little girl!” (Which sometimes created more immediate confrontation)

Me with a 3-second pause: "I'm giving us both space to cool down. We'll talk in 15 minutes." (Usually saying this from my inner dialogue then knocking on her door 15 minutes later)

The Mat Room Struggle:

“Ok, everyone line up for wrestling practice so we can get started.” But sometimes there was one kid who just wanted to keep horse playing.

Me without a pause: I found myself getting into a power struggle which could sometimes escalate and amplify because of my frustration from their unwillingness to fall in line with all the other kids.

Me with a 3-second pause: "Would you like to join us for practice or do you want to sit out today? We have 5 seconds before we need to get started."

Teaching Kids the Pause (What if we taught our kids what we’re practicing to include them in the lesson?)

Children can learn this tool too. The following ideas are some things I have tried that may help you too:

1. Using the "Ice Dragon’s Breath" game: Pretend to be a dragon cooling hot chocolate to “funify” the practice of noticing something hot physically or emotionally, and taking deep breaths to cool the “hot chocolate” or “heated moment” down…my sister in law refers to a similar idea of having an “ice cube” moment.

2. Playing the "Pause Button" game: A physical button they can pretend to press in the moment to remind them of what to do next, and I plan on making some shirts to help facilitate this gamified practice.

3. Playing the "Emotional Weather Forecaster" game: Pause to notice and have your child articulate their current emotional weather forecast, I’ve used this as a game to help them express how their feeling in the moment to start recognizing what’s happening for both me and the kid.

Some of my Common Triggers and Pause Solutions

Defiance:

- Trigger: Child yells "No!" 🤬

- My Pause Action: I try to feel my feet on the ground and recall my values

- My Response: I look to offer choices within my boundaries

Public Meltdowns:

- Trigger: Child screaming in the store 😬

- My Pause Action: I take one deep “Elder Dragon’s Breath” (my gamified adult version of the Ice Dragon’s Breath)

- My Response: I try to re-connect with my grounded self before I try to correct the behavior (even though I imagine how embarrassing that could be to have a screaming child in a public place and everyone is starting to look at you like a bad parent…but its probably worse if you end up mimicking the child your trying to correct in the moment)

Safety Issues:

- Trigger: Child running into the street

- My Super Quick Pause Action: Here I would most likely react with my body to grab the kid from the street if I could for safety reasons…but once safe, I would try to collect and root my thoughts out of love instead of anger

- My Response: After I know the child is safe, I would look for a clear, calm consequence leading the conversation with my values for why I care and how I would feel if something happened to their precious little soul

Implementation Strategy

Below is a multiple week approach around some ideas on how I’ve approached different stress triggers in the past that I still work through today…

Week 1: Notice

- Track your trigger moments (trusted and honest friends or family members can help if you let them)

- Identify physical responses (is it a clenched jaw, squinting eyes, raised voice, etc?)

- Log automatic reactions (I use a pocket size note pad that I carry often)

Week 2: Practice

- Set pause reminders (I plan on making shirts to help with this process)

- Use physical anchors (My sister in law, who’s a great mother of two, came up with the idea of putting an ice cube on your tongue to help ‘cool off’ for a second before speaking)

- Start with one trigger type (The trigger I’m working on today is rooted in patient communication)

Week 3: Expand

- Apply to new situations (The same practice I have in talking to a family member, I use in teaching Jiu Jitsu)

- Teach family members (For me, being the active example of transformation in practice has worked the best)

- Create pause rituals (Sometimes I clap my hands and start dancing to change my attitude, it sometimes makes the other person laugh too)

The Long-Term Impact

More ways parents who master the 3-second pause will benefit:

- 40% reduction in daily conflicts

- Improved emotional intelligence in children

- Stronger family relationships

- Better stress management

Remember: The goal isn't perfect pausing but progress in presence. Every three-second investment builds your family's emotional bank account. Maybe not everyone can be rich monetarily, but everyone can become emotionally wealthy by improving their relationships with the people they love.

Looking Ahead: Your Pause Practice

Start with this simple exercise loop:

1. Choose your most common trigger

2. Select a physical anchor (touch thumb to finger, feel feet, etc.)

3. Practice your pause in low-stress moments (makes practice easier and more habitual)

4. Apply during actual challenges (basically putting your practice into practice)

5. Reflect and adjust (I visualize my day when I’m in bed every night, and if something significant occurred, I start writing to work it out)

Hopefully some of these ideas help with your current situation. And if you’ve found this valuable, we welcome you to join our community discussion on developing your pause practice, we’d love to hear any challenge or transformation stories!

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Want to dive deeper into this topic? Check out our latest podcast episode where we explore these concepts in detail and share additional real-world examples from parents in our community.: Listen to the Podcast here or on another platform like Spotify, click here.

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A Final Note to Parents Who Care Enough to Read This Far

The fact that you're reading about ways to become more present and intentional in your parenting journey speaks volumes about your commitment to your children. Remember, we're not striving for perfection…we're cultivating connection here. Every time we pause, even if it's just once today, we're teaching children one of life's most valuable lessons…that we can choose our responses, even in challenging moments.

You're already doing the hardest part…like showing up here and searching for alternative solutions. That desire to do better, to understand more, to connect deeper with your children? That's what makes you an amazing parent. Keep taking those three-second pauses, keep growing, and most importantly, remember to extend the same patience to yourself that you're learning to give to your children.

One pause at a time, you're not just transforming your parenting…you're transforming generations to come.

"In the space between stimulus and response lies our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." - Viktor Frankl

[Viktor Emil Frankl (1905-1997) was an Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist, and Holocaust survivor who founded logotherapy, a form of existential analysis known as the "Third Viennese School of Psychotherapy"]