The Power of Pause: Acknowledging Emotions - Your Secret Weapon in Parenting

Article 03: "The 'A' in PAUSE: Why Emotional Acknowledgment Changes Everything"

Cj TruHeart

Dec 16, 2024

"To accompany this article, listen to the musical exploration of this concept: 🎵'The A in Pause'🎶"

Full song & lyrics [click here].

Last week, we explored how a simple three-second pause can transform challenging parenting moments. Today, let's dive deep into what happens after that pause…specifically, the power of acknowledging emotions, both yours and your child's.

Picture this: I'm teaching a youth martial arts class, and one of my students is clearly having a rough day. They're unfocused, disruptive, and on the verge of tears. My old approach? I would try to use motivational tones and make encouraging suggestions to get them back on track. But that strategy however better than just being a disciplinarian authority, never really connected with the student to realign them with what we were doing. What I found when I began looking for alternative approaches to overcome power struggles, meltdown moments, and detachment scenarios I found something powerful! I learned that transformative power of emotional acknowledgement was at the heart of connection. And I learned that if I wasn’t able to connect, I wasn’t able to be the ‘guide’ they needed me to be in that moment.

The Hidden Language of Behavior

Here's what I've learned both on and off the mat: Every behavior is a form of communication. That student acting out? They're not just being difficult – they're speaking to us in the language of behavior, and it's our job to become fluent in this universal tongue…also referred to as body language.

The Science of Emotional Acknowledgment

Recent neuroscience research reveals something fascinating: When we name our emotions (a process scientists call "affect labeling"), we actually reduce activity in the amygdala, our brain's emotional alarm system. It's like turning down the volume on our emotional reactions, making space for clearer thinking.

But here's the real magic…this works for our kids too. I learned that when we acknowledge their emotions, we're not just showing empathy, we're literally helping their developing brains learn to process big feelings that can feel like an emotional roller coaster at times! I’m sure we’ve all experienced this ourselves as well…this is part of being human that often goes mis-or-un understood.

Understanding the Two-Way Street of Emotional Recognition that’s helped me…

Step 1: Check Your Own Emotional Weather First

Before we can help our children navigate their emotional storms, we need to acknowledge our own weather patterns:

- What am I feeling right now?

- Where do I feel it in my body?

- What's triggering this response?

I remember a situation where a young student refused to participate in belt testing. My initial emotion was frustration…after all, we'd practiced for months leading up to this. But when I paused to acknowledge my own feelings, I realized my frustration came from a place of caring about their progress and feeling personally invested in their success.

Step 2: Create Space for Their Emotions

Once we've checked our own emotional weather, we can turn our attention to our children's emotional landscape. Here's what this looks like in practice:

Instead of: "Stop crying and get ready for class!"

Try: "I see you're having some big feelings right now. Would you like to tell me about them?"

The Power of Validation

Remember: Acknowledging emotions doesn't mean approving of all behaviors. You can validate feelings while still maintaining boundaries:

"I understand you're angry about having to leave the playground. It's okay to feel angry, but it's not okay to hit. Would you like a hug while we talk about other ways to show your anger?"

Real-Life Scenarios and Solutions

1. The Homework Meltdown

Before: "Just sit down and do it!"

After: "Your math homework seem like it’s really frustrating you right now. It’s never been my best subject either. How about we figure it out together?"

2. The Sibling Rivalry

Before: "Stop fighting with your sister!"

After: "It seems like you're feeling left out when your sister plays with her friends. That must be really tough. Can I show you how to build something cool with legos?"

3. The Sports Loss

Before: "It's just a game!"

After: "Losing that match seems like it really disappointed you. Would you like to talk about it?"

Making It Part of Your Daily Practice…Leading to the Progress You Want to Make…

Here's a simple framework I use in martial arts teaching that can be applied to parenting:

1. Observe: Notice the behavior without judgment

2. Connect: Get down to their level, make eye contact

3. Reflect: Mirror back what you see ("You seem...")

4. Listen: Create space for their response

5. Validate: Acknowledge their experience

6. Guide: Only then move toward solutions

"For a deeper dive into these concepts, listen to 'The Pause Principle: Transforming Chaos into Connection' - Pod03: 'A Black Belt's Guide to Emotional Intelligence in Parenting'"

Podcast link click here.

Common Pitfalls to Avoid

1. The Fix-It Trap: Resist the urge to immediately solve the problem (this one was the hardest for me to avoid as an immediate response)

2. The Minimize Move: Avoid phrases like "it's not that bad"

3. The Lecture Loop: Save the life lessons for later (I have a philosopher type of mind, so I stumble sometimes on this one too)

4. The Comparison Game: Each child's emotions are uniquely valid, avoid comparing them to be like…

Tools for Your Emotional Acknowledgment Toolkit…Using the Right Tool in the Right Situation Can Make a World of Difference…

The following are for reference with the idea to deep dive into them if this is something you want to learn more about…mention something in the Publication Chat if you want more information on this:

- The Feelings Wheel: A visual tool for expanding emotional vocabulary (without the appropriate words, it can be tough to communicate)

- The "Mirror Moment": Taking 30 seconds to reflect emotions before responding (and sometimes we have to take 3 seconds for ourselves before we can give our kids the 30 seconds they need)

- The "Tell Me More" technique: An invitation for deeper sharing (this is powerful to better understand the emotions our kids are working through)

- The Body Scan: Teaching awareness of emotional sensations that show up in the physical body (such as tense jaw, clenched fist, droopy shoulders, etc)

Building Emotional Intelligence for Life…Invaluable Life Skills Our Kids Will Thank Us for Later…

When we acknowledge emotions consistently, we're not just solving immediate challenges…we're building lifelong emotional intelligence. Research shows that children who can identify and express their emotions are:

- More resilient in facing challenges

- Better at forming relationships

- More successful academically

- More skilled at problem-solving

A Personal Note

As a martial arts instructor and mentor, I've seen how this approach transforms not just individual moments but entire relationships. Recently, one of my students who struggled with anger management told me, "Professor, now I understand why I was so sad. I was heavy and out of shape so I couldn’t keep up with the other kids at gym class. But now that I’ve lost weight and feel more coordinated, I feel great playing games and the other kids want me on their team now!"

That's the power of emotional acknowledgment…it creates space for the kids to come to me because they know I’m going to listen to them. This comes from a practice of turning overwhelming feelings into manageable experiences to transform what would have been reactive moments into opportunities for connection and growth…which will open many doors along the way for heart to heart communication.

Some Suggested Next Steps for You…

This week, try these three simple practices:

1. Start each day with an emotional check-in with yourself (Remember it’s hard to help your kids find stability if you’re off balance)

2. Use the phrase "I notice..." when observing your child's emotions (And they will feel noticed)

3. Keep a small journal of emotional acknowledgment moments and their outcomes (This helps with reinforcement learning)

Remember, this isn't about perfection…it's about progress. Every time you acknowledge an emotion, you're strengthening your family's emotional foundation.

We Welcome You to Join the Conversation…

How has emotional acknowledgment changed your parenting journey? Share your stories and challenges in the comments below. Let's learn from each other as we grow in this practice together.

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Next article, we'll explore the 'U' in PAUSE: Understanding the Need Behind the Behavior. Until then, keep practicing those emotional acknowledgment skills…they're truly black belt moves in the art of parenting.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~Maya Angelou

[Maya Angelou (1928-2014) was an American poet, memoirist, and civil rights activist whose wisdom about human connection and understanding continues to inspire millions.]